Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior