Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
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Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”