Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you