Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

*mops up wine with cat*

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

The Joker was right

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.