Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
dead inside
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.