Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

remember

only for emergencies

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.