Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

me 2 months after i graduated

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.