Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
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If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.