Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
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4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Never ghost your hitman.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Facebook memories be like
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*