Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.