Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I’m not sorry.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I’m never leaving this app.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
A roof is a house hat.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Erm…
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again