Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.