Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.