Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”