Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.