Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
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“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.