Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
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[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
🙁
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.