Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

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*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]


[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour


Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!


In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.


I’ve gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn’t gonna get arrested all by itself.


Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.


“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”


Me: [throwing another failed entree onto the floor] make it again!

Stuart Little: please, i’m not who you think i am my name is stu-

Me: [grabbing him by his tiny shirt] make it again rat chef