Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
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We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied