Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Cha-ching is my safe word

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺