Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN