Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
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No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
just gave your address to some spiders
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.