Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
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You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.