carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”