carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe![]()
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TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
*3.5 thank you very much.
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You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I’m not average. I’m mean.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what