Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Seems legit

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

Hmmmmm

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.