Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…

I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.