[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I feel attacked.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.