Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
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I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
My background check bounced.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.