@lincnotfound

carnival employee: how many marbles—

me: *eats all the marbles*

carnival employee: —are in this jar

me [confidently]: zero

carnival employee:

me:

carnival employee:

me: you meant jellybeans, right?

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@LMHPhotog

People think the word “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters.

But those letters are not silent.

They’re just waiting for their turn.

@Amusitr0n

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

@RafaelaStoakes

If a kid asks you to check under the bed for monsters & you look, scream & run out of the room, you wont be asked to baby sit again!

@ericONEderful

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

@mariokeyparty

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

@JediGigi

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

@Thedudish

It’s been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. “Good luck,” he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

@pant_leg

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

@WorkingMom86

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler