Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

Lives near Army base.

Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

Best table by far

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke