Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Hey i am sexy to you now

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one