Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

Let’s Go

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?