Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.