Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people