Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

I’m good, thanks.

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no