Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

Sign of the day..

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Look at this

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”