carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*