Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce