@NotthatAdamWest

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

@TheSwanDon

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

@david8hughes

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

@goodthyngs

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

@itweetmaya

If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.

This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.

@karanbirtinna

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

@SocialustGal13

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.