Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

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Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*


Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.


Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?


Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.


My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”


If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.

This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.


According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??


Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.