Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
a trip to the doctor
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.
This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.