Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
*jingles half the way*
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.