Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
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“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Ooh I do like a good funnel
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
checking out some reviews of my local library
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
