Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas