Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
You Might Also Like
it’s the silliest best thing
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
This bar smells like my childhood.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
stop
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*