Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.