Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

#parenting

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.