Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout