Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.