Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
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[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I wanna be friends with this person
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄