Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.