Carpe DM
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honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
two people or more is called a problem
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Breaking news:
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
What
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?