Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
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At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Breaking news:
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.