Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
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this country is so goddamn polarized
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.