Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.