Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
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Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
do u think theres a butter planet?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.