Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
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made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader