Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

ew if literal: let me be clear