carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
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Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃