Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

LMFAOOOO

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.