[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
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My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.