Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!