Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.