Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.