13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I remember when things only cost an arm.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.