I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
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Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.