*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.