*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.