Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

Beards are a privilege, not a right

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

Important reminders

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?