Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

airing out the snack pack

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

Covid like

I’ll be mad as hell!

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.