*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
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“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.