*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
You Might Also Like
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….