*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Does your wife know you’re single?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.