*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Thaw me like one of your french fries
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.