Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.![]()
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Warm pools make me nervous.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
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You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm