Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Plumber: I think I found the problem
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Love is in the air fryer.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd