Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?