Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Uh oh 👀

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something