Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
You don’t even know
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.